Dear Hearts,
You’ve been a good girl your whole life. You waited your turn, asked nicely, and made sure everyone else was taken care of first. You checked with your husband before making plans and ran decisions past your parents even after you had kids of your own. You looked around the room to see if anyone minded before you spoke up.
Somewhere along the way, you started believing you needed permission to live. Not permission to do big, scandalous things, but permission to want things, to take up space, to say no without explaining yourself into the ground. Permission to spend money on yourself without justifying every dollar, to have opinions that differ from your family’s, to rest without earning it first.
Here’s what I need you to hear: Nobody’s coming to give you that permission. Not your husband, not your kids, not your mother or your pastor or your best friend. They’re not withholding it because they’re cruel—they’re just living their own lives, and they’ve gotten used to you asking. They’ve gotten comfortable with you waiting. They’ve gotten comfortable with you putting their wants/needs/desires above your own.
But the waiting has cost you.
The Permission Trap
Most of us don’t even realize we’re doing it. We frame it differently in our heads and call it being considerate… being flexible… being a team player who doesn’t rock the boat. We tell ourselves we’re keeping the peace and being Christ-like.
If you’re honest with yourself though, you know the difference between genuine consideration and the bone-deep belief that your wants don’t count unless someone else approves them first. You can feel it in your body when you’re about to do something for yourself… that tightness in your chest, that voice asking what they’ll think, that impulse to explain and justify before anyone even questions you.
That’s not wisdom. That’s a lifetime of training that taught you to shrink.
What the Bible Actually Says
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)
Let’s get something straight: God didn’t create you to spend your entire life waiting for human approval. When Paul wrote to Timothy, he was addressing a young leader who was likely battling self-doubt and intimidation. The remedy? Remember what God gave you… not fear, not insecurity, not a need for constant validation, but power, love, and a sound mind.
This isn’t just for church leaders. This is for every woman who’s been taught that her thoughts don’t count unless someone else validates them first, for every woman who’s been trained to wait and ask and defer automatically.
You have a sound mind. That means you’re capable of making decisions about your own life – good ones.
We’re called to submit to authority and to love others and consider their needs, but nowhere in Scripture does God say to make yourself so small that you disappear or to wait for every human around you to approve before you move.
Look at the women in the Bible who actually did something. Esther didn’t wait for permission to approach the king, and Ruth didn’t wait for permission to follow Naomi or to go to the threshing floor. The woman with the issue of blood didn’t wait for permission to touch Jesus’ robe, and Mary didn’t wait for permission to break that expensive perfume. They moved, they acted, they trusted their sound minds and the Spirit’s leading even when it made other people uncomfortable.
When There’s No One Left to Ask
I know this struggle intimately because I lived it just a few days ago. God had laid This Sacred Season on my heart – this ministry, this mission to write for women like us who are rebuilding after everything changes. The call was clear, but I kept waiting for someone to say it out loud: “You can start writing now.”
And then I realized there was no one here to give me that permission. My kids are grown with their own kids now. I left a suddenly abusive marriage over a decade ago and I don’t have a partner now. Both my parents passed away a few years ago. I took early retirement after 2020, so there’s no principal hovering over my shoulder. There was literally no one standing there waiting to approve my next move.
So I sat with this dream God gave me, feeling like I needed someone’s blessing to begin. But who? My grown children navigating their own lives? My parents who are with Jesus? A husband who’s no longer in the picture? The boss I no longer have?
A few days ago, it hit me: I’m free. Completely, terrifyingly free to just start. And even though I didn’t feel ready… even though the permission I’d been waiting for never materialized… even though my plans weren’t complete… even though I’m scared to lay myself bare in front of strangers on the internet… I picked up my pen and started writing.
Starting Small
So what do you do when you’ve spent 40-plus years operating like you need permission for everything?
You start small and you start honest.
You make a decision without asking your husband’s opinion first… not a huge decision like selling the house, but about where to go for lunch or what time you’re meeting your friend or whether you’re going to that church event you don’t want to attend.
You buy something you want without justifying it… again, not a huge purchase like car but a book or a plant or a candle that costs more than $5.
You say no without explaining, because “I can’t make it” is a complete sentence and you don’t owe anyone a detailed breakdown of why you’re not available.
You have an opinion that differs from your family’s and you don’t apologize for it. You don’t need to argue or convince – you just let your yes be yes and your no be no.
Here’s what’s going to happen: People will be surprised, some will be uncomfortable, and a few might even be upset. Let them. Their discomfort is not your emergency, and their adjustment period is not your responsibility to manage. You’ve spent decades managing everyone else’s comfort at the expense of your own existence, and that stops now.
When It Feels Selfish
I know what you’re thinking – this sounds selfish… this sounds unsubmissive… this sounds like the world’s message instead of God’s.
But answer this: Is it selfish to believe God when He says you have a sound mind? Is it unsubmissive to steward your own life instead of handing the reins to everyone else? Is it worldly to take up the space God created YOU to occupy?
Selfishness is believing your needs trump everyone else’s, but that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about believing your needs matter at all, that you’re allowed to have preferences, that your time, energy, and resources have value even when they’re not being poured into someone else.
You’re not responsible for being everyone’s permission-giver or the Holy Spirit for your entire household. You’re not the mediator between God and every person in your life. You’re a woman with a sound mind, created in God’s image, responsible for stewarding your one life well. That’s not selfish… that’s obedience.
Living Without Permission
What would change if you really believed you didn’t need permission? You’d stop rehearsing conversations in your head, preparing your defense before anyone even asks. You’d stop feeling guilty for wanting things and waiting for someone to tell you it’s okay to rest, to play, to spend, to say no, to take up space.
You’d move through your life with the confidence of someone who actually believes she has a sound mind – not arrogant, not bulldozing, just present and decisive and clear. You’d realize that most of the permissions you’ve been waiting for were never coming anyway, not because people are withholding them but because they’re not theirs to give.
God already gave you permission to live… to really live instead of shrinking into the smallest, quietest version of yourself and calling that holiness. So stop waiting, stop asking, stop justifying. You have a sound mind, so use it.
Maybe you’re like me and the people you used to ask aren’t there anymore. Maybe they’ve moved on or passed on or walked away. Maybe you’re staring at an empty nest or a changed life and realizing there’s no permission-giver left in sight.
All that quiet? That’s your life waiting for you to claim it. Pick up your pen. Start that business. Take that class. Book that trip. Say what you think. Do the thing God’s been whispering to your heart for months or years.
You don’t need to feel ready. You just need to start.